Make American Music Great again!

Written by: Anonymous (not authored for Classical Source and published verbatim)

Alban Berg (1885-1935) & Anton Webern (1883-1945)

And while we’re at it let’s Make America Great Britain Again!

We’re bringing dodecaphony back! Nothing but the 2nd Viennese School, 24/7. No more of this PC tonality. It’s weak. Very weak. I’m very big with all of the symphony orchestras. They love me. Boston, Philadelphia, Cleveland. I’m very big in Cleveland. Very big. They’ll going along with this. I’ll make such good deals. Detroit, New York. I’m huuuuuge in New York. Baltimore. Seattle. Atlanta. San Francisco. Los Angeles.

I’m telling you, we’ll play the Schoenberg Wind Quintet at the Inauguration, okay? Yes, the Opus 26 Quintet. At the Ball, it will be nothing but Schoenberg, Berg and Webern. We’ll bring in the Los Angeles Philharmonic. They love me in LA. They love me. And I love The Dude. I’ve know Gustavo a long time, since he left Bolivia. But I told him, none of that Adams. No Glass. I had to get very tough with him. No Barber, no Copland. Some Krenek, maybe. Maybe. I don’t love him, but he’s okay.

And those Broadway guys. We’re going to do something about those guys. Thousands of songwriters are coming through the border, hundreds of thousands, and they’re unchecked, they’re being sent all over the United States. Road companies of “Rent.” Revivals of “Grease.” I’m going to put Chris Christie on this. I love Chris. He’s just like me, only bigger. No one loves Webern more than Chris Christie.

Arnold Schoenberg (1874-1951)

So, we’re going to build a wall. It’s going to be a big wall. Chris is going to help. And we’ll make the biggest pop stars pay for it. Kanye. Taylor Swift. Kenny G. We’ll bring back the Second Viennese School to symphony halls all over America. We’re going to teach dodecaphony in all of the schools, starting in the first grade. We’ll bring in Carly Fiorina as an instructor. Have you seen her sing “Pierrot Lunaire?” She fell off the stage at the end, but what a performance. She’s a fantastic singer. Melania loves her.

We don’t even know where these people are all coming from, these song writers, okay? They’re coming from all over. They’re coming from Calabasas. They are coming from Chelsea. They coming from San Juan Island. These are not the nice, sweet little people that you’d think, okay? We have no protection. We need to build a wall. And it has to be built quickly.

I’ll change my name back to Drumpf. And we’ll make 12-tone great again. We’ll have prime rows, retrograde rows, inverted rows, and retrograde inversion of rows. We’ll mutate so many hexachords that those tonal guys will weep. We’ll bring back combinatoriality, hexachordal inversional combinatoriality, multidimensional set presentations, you name it, it’s coming back. We’ll have dodecaphonic entrepreneurs. We’ll create millions and millions of jobs. The buskers in the subways will be playing the Berg Violin Concerto. They’ll be singing Wozzeck on “Glee.” We’re bringing back “Glee,” we’ll bring it back, but not on Fox. It will be on NBC. They love me at NBC. I’ll make such a deal, I’m telling you, it will be so great. Unbelievably great!

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